Weak Things Will Become Strong

Today, I'm giving a final presentation for my Honors and Leadership program. It's for a group project that we've worked all year long on. To be honest, we didn't get anything done. We half tried a lot of things and failed at a lot of things. Today I have to stand in front of fifty people with my group and do a presentation that I've been dreading for a year. The nice thing is that I'm so burnt out by this point that I don't even care how it goes. 

Today is one of the hardest days of the year for me, and it has nothing to do with school. Three years ago today my life completely changed. I almost lost someone. I honestly see my life as before this moment, and after this moment. Today holds some of the most painful memories of my life. It changed how I look at life, and the world. It changed how I live my life. It changed everything. 

This date has held so much power over me. The first year I spent a lot of time preparing myself to deal with the anniversary of it. I knew it was coming and every day I thought about the anniversary. I wondered how I'd deal with it. I expected the earth to stop for a moment and everything to acknowledge the last year. Instead, I went to school, went to work, all day remembering the year before. It was a weird day, almost underwhelming. After that day I'd hoped that all the pain and worry and everything would be over. It'd been a year, time to move on and forget, right? 

The second year on this day, I was a mess. Part of this was because I thought I shouldn't have been. I shouldn't have been a mess. Life was good. This person was still here. Things were starting to look up. Whenever I tried to talk to people about it the week before, they'd tell me that it was okay. Everything was fine now. I didn't need to feel sad, I should feel happy. But that pain was still there. The memories were just as fresh. And last year on this day, I felt that pressure to just let it go and feel better. To focus on all the good. 

I did my best. But I ended up crying on the bus the whole ride to school. Not only did I have to sit next to a stranger, sunglasses on, silently shaking and trying to discreetly brush away the tears sneaking out of the glasses, but I was in the middle part of the bus in the sideways seats. The ones that move and at some point or another face everyone. 

I thought I'd been so discreet, but a girl came up to me as soon as we got off the bus and put her hand on my shoulder, asking me if I was okay. I quickly nodded, said thank you, and then cried even harder. I was so touched that in that moment someone had noticed me and reached out to make sure I was alright. I cried the rest of the day on and off on campus. I learned that day that even if others may think that my feelings are ridiculous and I might seem a bit ungrateful, that I still need to express them. They're still valid. Because when you bottle them up, they come out on the bus. 

During that first year, I thought that there would never be a day where remembering today wouldn't hurt. Where it wouldn't completely wreck me. Because if it was wrecking me, I couldn't even imagine how everyone else was doing. Things seemed hopeless. I wondered if they'd ever get better, if I'd ever get this person back. I prayed so many times for things to just get better. I prayed to be able to forget, or for things to be at least numbed. I have a really powerful memory, and so many things would bring me back to that day. 

This was a weakness of mine. I was letting this day rule over me. I was letting all of the memories take me. I was focusing on the bad, staying in the past.  

When it was announced that our final presentations were going to be April 29th, I kept feeling this nagging in the back of the mind that I had something going on that day. There was something that I was forgetting. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I remembered what it was. While a bit of sadness instantly came, I also felt a bit of hope. I'd forgotten. That date hadn't immediately caused the sinking in my gut and threat of tears. 

This year, I'm doing today differently. I'll let myself have a moment to get all of my emotion out if I need to, because that's healthy. But I'll be hopeful because I can see all the blessings that have come with this. I can look backwards with that three year gap and see the change. I can see the hope. I know that it is Christ that has made this possible, and His power will make so many other things possible. This day will not hold power over me forever, and with Christ and I will be able to conquer other weaknesses in my life. Today, I will be thankful and let myself live without guilt. Because I can. We all can.