Fearlessness

Lauren is back in the blogging world and I am SOOOO stinking excited! She's given me so much advice and love and I've found many of my other favorite blogs through her blog. I love her idea of making f words positive, so how could I resist blogging about fearlessness as well.

Fearlessness. Alright, I'm going to be fearless and talk about a subject that I hint at but never really explored on the blog. Anxiety

I've had anxiety as long as I can remember. Ok, not as long as I can because I can remember when I was two and there wasn't much to be anxious about then. But, it's always been there hiding and popping up from time to time. Then about last January, it got really bad. I was a mess. I never left my dorm room. I was afraid of everything and the littlest changes would throw me off for hours. I would just sit in the bathroom and cry and cry and cry for no reason. I had a hard time eating because I would always feel like I was going to throw up afterwards and puking is one of my greatest fears. Every time there was even a hint of snow I would go into a meltdown because I was afraid all of my loved ones were going to die. Every bad thing in the news was going to happen to me or my family. I spent nights thinking up every horrible situation I could imagine happening and how I would deal with it.

And then I almost lost a loved one. It all felt so unreal. For the few weeks after, I was actually feeling alright. I had so much support from my roommates and Sammy and I was ok. I was getting through this. I was dealing with something that terrified me and I hadn't ever prepared myself for.

And then summer. Oh summer. Without the constant distraction of school, I had much more time to worry. Then the panic attacks came on. Full blown I would rather do anything that feel this way panic attacks that lasted all night long and would wipe me out for days. When Sammy went on a family vacation for a week, I freaked thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I almost went out to Utah that week to have fun myself but I just couldn't do it. All the thoughts of being stranded in the middle of Wyoming and I was going to be sick.

I'm not saying all this for a pity party. I'm explaining this for the next part.
Finally, I went and got help. That took some fearlessness. I've been to counseling before but they were both bad experiences and I left feeling worse about myself. Going in again? Scary. But it was the best thing I've done. I finally clicked with my therapist and she helped me through so much. There are so many things that she helped me accomplish. She said that I had to do the things that were scary otherwise they would win, and would further reinforce them as anxiety ridden. So, I went to a town far away during a rainstorm. I ate food that could upset my stomach, and it did, but guess what. I didn't die. I was ok. I went swimming. I put myself in situations that scared me where I felt like I had no coontrol and guess what? Nothing bad happened. It was fun. But, I was still having panic attacks and still had anxiety.

Right around then is when I started reading Divergent. It's my favorite book of all time for many reasons, but one of them is it talks about fear. It's one of the main ideas of the book, what are our fears and how can we conquer them. That book inspired me so much in so many ways and was a big step in my path to fearlessness.

But the biggest step?

I started reading my scriptures on the bus every day. And for once, I actually enjoyed it. It wasn't a chore, it was as if I was reading one of my favorite books. And as I was reading one day it talked about faith. Faith is not having a perfect knowledge of things. I always think having a perfect knowledge of things will help me not feel anxious in a situation. If I know exactly when everything is going to happen and I have five back up plans and bla bla, then I'll be alright. But that's not true and no situation is ever going to be like that. Which is why I have to have faith that things will be alright.

In the same chapter it talked about trusting in the Lord. That verse is where it really hit me. If I'm truly going to trust in the Lord, then I can't worry about everything. Worrying about every little thing isn't going to help, that is the opposite of having trust.

Ever since I've had that realization, I've had a much easier time being fearless. Heavenly Father has a plan for me and everyone and he is going to take care of us. If I do what I know is right and have faith in him and trust him, then I will make it through. He will help me become strong and fearless. For me, fearlessness has been learned in my battle with anxiety. I still have my anxious days and wake up with the random panic attack. But I am in such a better place than I was a year ago, and I feel proud to know that I am acting with fearlessness.