Almost two months ago, Sammy was making breakfast and we were listening to Conference talks that he'd missed. I saw him get this strange look on his face while he was listening, and then he became very thoughtful. I wrote it off as him having some sort of personal revelation, and went on with my morning.
Sammy sat down on the couch next to me though, and told me he had something to ask me. My heart instantly started racing, having no idea what he wanted to talk about. Had I done something wrong? He then asked me if I was happy at church, working in the nursery. He said he'd noticed over the past six months that I was dreading going to church more and more, and just seemed blah. When he heard that talk, that thought kept popping into his mind.
I'm pretty sure that I started crying because he was so right, and I hadn't even noticed it. I hadn't been happy in nursery. Don't get me wrong, I loved the kids and the people I worked with, but I just wasn't progressing anymore. My spirit wasn't being fed when I went like it'd used to be. That, combined with me starting a new, pretty stressful job, and quitting my anti-depressants at the same time just wasn't doing it. I had been feeling blah for quite some time, and thankfully my perceptive husband was the one to notice it.
After talking about it, Sammy and I decided that when we next met with the bishop, we'd ask him to at least think about my calling and pray about it. If that's where I was supposed to be, then great. I'd suck it up and keep going, and hope that I'd learn why. But if not, then I'd really like to be released.
All my life I've been told that bishop's thoughtfully pray and consider our callings, or jobs in the church. We're asked to be in places that might not make sense because that's what the Lord wants us to do, and He has something planned for us. I've been taught that I should always accept a calling, even if I don't want to, because it was extended thoughtfully and that's what the Lord wants.
As I've gotten older though, I've heard stories from others about times that they've had to turn down callings. Those reasons range from literally not being able to make time for it or risk losing their job, being a school teacher and working with kids all day, and then being asked to teach kids on Sunday's too, and other very personal reasons. Until being an adult, I'd never heard of anyone turning down a calling, but I'm sure it's something that happens all of the time, and I just haven't heard about it.
However, I do truly believe that callings are extended for a reason. I have grown SO MUCH in the past two years working with the nursery aged kids. I went from being terrified to hold a baby, much less play with kids while other's watched (for fear they'd judge me on 'doing it wrong') to being very comfortable with these kids and making friendships that I needed. I was given this call with inspiration, so shouldn't I be asked to leave with that same inspiration?
I also felt weak. Compared to the things other's do in the church, my calling is a piece of cake. I don't have to prepare a complicated lesson, or do a lot of camping trips, or go and visit people at a moment's notice. I just play with kids for two hours and try to help them stop crying, and get asked for more marshmallows repeatedly. The fact that I was so burnt out and just feeling blah over this, made me feel very small. I also didn't want to open a can of worms and get asked to do something very time intensive, which would be very difficult with me being the main provider for our family right now, and having such a long commute.
Even up to the moment of our meeting, I wasn't sure if I was going to say anything to the Bishop. I almost didn't, but at the last moment Sammy brought it up. The Bishop was very understanding, and I explained that I've been with the kids for two years here, and two years previously in another place, so I haven't had a real lesson in four years. Sammy asked him to pray about it, and he said that he didn't need to, that was evidence enough that it was time for me to move on. He also said that the next years of my life I need a very strong testimony with all the things that come in your twenties, so I really need to work on strengthening myself.
The next Sunday I was released and people were pretty shocked. They kept asking me if I had a new calling, which I didn't. Some people were upset with me for not expressing that I was so burnt out earlier, but I don't like to burden people. Plus I was feeling all of the things mentioned above. As I was about to leave on my last day, one of the parents shook my hand and thanked me for being an influence in his little girl's life. That was a really bittersweet moment for me.
I've been able to go to class with Sammy the past two weeks, and I can't even describe how amazing that felt. I learned so much from that first week and applied it to my everyday life. This has been a really interesting time, but Sammy has been so supportive and awesome. He teaches me everyday how to live the gospel, even though I have a twenty year head start on him. I'm nervous to see what direction I'm going to head in next.
That's such a great story, Kylee! I'm so glad you are able to join in lessons and spend time focusing on yourself. Our church doesn't have "callings" in the formal sense that your does, but we do have volunteer positions where you can sign up to help in various ministries. It's really neat, our church's social media coordinator was needing someone to replace her, and God laid it on both my heart and her heart for me to take over the position! It's so great that I can use my skills from blogging to share with my church! Our church alternates our nursery workers so we can attend the main service a few weeks a month (that's when our lessons are taught on Sundays) which has been really good for me to not feel disconnected as well!
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