Trying Not to Offend

I was talking with Sammy one night and he was suggesting I go hang out with all these people to which I kept saying no. I told him I just didn't have the energy. He wondered why and after thinking about it, I told him it had to do with always having to have my guard up so that I don't offend people. I feel like I can't be my true self with people. There are some where I show this side of my self to, and other's where I show a different aspect to. There are parts of me that I know will offend them. Sometimes I swear on accident. I have a really weird sense of humor. I'm a proud feminist (no, I do not hate all men or a lot of other misconceptions about that.) I think about my faith in a different way than those I talk with. I value different things. And on and on. 

I'm not trying to say that to be friends with someone you have to like all the same things and think the same way and blah blah blah. Not at all. But, because I feel so different from these people, I spend quite a bit of energy trying not to offend them. I try to go over every sentence before I say it, searching for something that might be offensive.

It's not just with friends. I do it ALL. THE. TIME. I spend so much of my energy trying not to offend people and it's exhausting. On Mother's day I didn't share any pictures of Aaron and I because I didn't want to offend anyone who was struggling on that day. I don't share a lot of happy moments because I don't want to offend people who might be struggling with the very thing that I'm feeling joy about. I try to think of how everything I share might hurt someone, and come up with a way to address that I know what they're feeling, or at least thinking about it. 

Whenever there's a tragedy or a holiday with special meaning attached to it, I feel like I have to say something otherwise people will think that I don't care, don't know it happened, or I'm not feeling sadness about it. But you know what, I don't owe the world all of my thoughts and feelings. I promise you I know what's going on, my heart is hurting, and most of the time I don't have words. It reminds me a little about the story of people praying in Alma. There were people going up this really high tower to shout this rehearsed prayer to the world. They had to make sure that everyone saw them and knew they were praying. It was all for show. But then there were those who weren't allowed in who prayed in their hearts, in their closets, in secret. I don't have to perform my feelings for the world to have them. It doesn't make me less than to not post something for everything going on in the world. And it's okay for me to feel happy and share that joy.

I'm trying to spend less time not offending people. I talked about it with my therapist and she was like okay, but really what will happen if you offend them? And I said that I would think about it over and over and it would haunt me ten years later in the middle of the night. But after thinking it over, I'm not perfect. I'm human. And that's okay. If I know that I've offended someone,  I will apologize. But I have to stop using all of my energy trying not to do so. I'm going to be me, I'm going to keep learning and growing, and I'm going to try my best, and if that's not good enough for people, well, I'm not forcing them to stay around.