Actually Getting Off My Antidepressants

As I'm writing this, I've been completely off my antidepressants for two weeks. It's been pretty interesting. This is a really long, and really honest post. 

Here's a cute outfit I threw together, since what pictures can you really put with this sort of thing?

When I went to meet with my doctor to get off, she seemed rushed, which was really a bummer. Part of my decision to get off now versus later is that I wanted to do it with her assistance because she's an amazing doctor. She's never rushed me before and has always taken care of me. It's actually really good that I did a lot of research before hand because I didn't have many questions, which probably would have received rushed answers as well.

The medicine I was on has a very short half life, so coming off that on it's own would have made me very sick. So, I took Prozac with my normal medicine for three days. My doctor originally suggested two but that didn't seem like enough time to me. Then, on a Sunday I only took the Prozac. I set this up on purpose so that if I was feeling really sick, I could just stay home. 

Sunday morning came and went, and I didn't feel sick. I went to church, and just felt the tiniest bit nauseous. Nothing too bad though. I was pleasantly surprised. That baby wave of nausea was present Monday morning, but as long as I kept drinking water, I was fine. I'd reached the first hurdle. 

The next step of the plan was to take the lowest dose of Prozac for six more days, and then I'd be completely off. Tuesday came and went, and I was still feeling fine. Honestly at that point I kept thinking about Breaking Dawn. In it Bella has worried so much about the effects of becoming a vampire, that when she actually becomes one she's the most perfect vampire ever and can control herself. I thought that all of my worrying had paid off. 

On Wednesday that week I had a rough day at work, and then a frustrating encounter with my boss. I was upset and stressed all night. When Sammy didn't have dinner ready, I suggested we just go to Qdoba, where I only got myself some nachos. I wasn't that hungry. All of that stress and the crappy food for dinner led to me waking up in the middle of the night and having a panic attack. I wasn't too worried about that because I'd had the crappy food and been stressed. 

On Friday night Sammy and I went out for dinner, and had burger and fries. That's a food that I haven't had in awhile. Friday night I woke up every single hour having a panic attack. When I'd finally calm myself down enough to drift back to sleep, I'd wake up again having another one. When I finally woke up in the morning, I was so hungry that I was nauseous. But I was so nauseous that I couldn't get anything down. I had to work Saturday, so I ended up just eating some saltines. I was really sick all day at work, and my best friend was super awesome and kept checking on me and switched her lunch with me. 

I was really freaked out at that point because I was still on medicine, and my anxiety was that bad. 

I had panic attacks Saturday night, and was just so anxious all day Sunday. Sunday was also my first day completely off medicine. I didn't have panic attacks Sunday night though which was good. I had Monday off and spent the day with friends and family, so I was pretty good. Monday night I was terrified to go to bed though. Thankfully I slept all the way through the night. 

The rest of that week went fine. I was excited for my birthday that weekend, and the surprise day Sammy had planned. I didn't have anxiety, and I really watched what I was eating especially around bed to make sure that I was fine. I noticed that I was feeling a little more irritated with people than usual, but then again I deal with some pretty strange people. 

On Sunday, a whole week after being off medicine, I felt pretty bummed all day. All of these feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough just kept popping up. I didn't want to go to church and deal with the little kids because I felt unappreciated. I think part of the stress from that day was that two years ago, when Sammy and I were first married, I had a really rough birthday that year. I had all these expectations and they didn't happen. My medicine also wasn't working at the time and I was in the middle of a downward spiral. So being here two years later, completely off of medicine, I was pretty stressed about that. 

The day after, the beginning of week two off of medication, I was really irritable. I had some really horrible customers that day which didn't help. I went to the Museum with friends and Sammy and watched a film about mummies, which got me thinking about death and then freaking out. I had anxiety really bad as we left, and I literally just sang every hymn I could think of at the top of my lungs the whole drive home, trying to fight it off. I slept fine but woke up Tuesday morning with horrible anxiety and feeling sick. After talking to my mom I was able to calm down a bit, but was still incredibly anxious as I headed to work. I sang hymns at the top of my lungs again, which helped. (If I do say so myself, I sound pretty dang good screaming hymns in the car;) 

This past weekend has been a little hard. I keep crying and bursting into tears for stupid reasons. I'll feel fine, and then I don't. My emotions feel all over the place, and I hate it. I hate that I don't feel completely in control of myself. It literally happens right after I tell someone I'm fine. Because I am fine in that moment, but I'm not fine an hour later. In those moments all my doubts and fears come climbing out from the nooks and crannies where they hide. I'm not going to lie, they really suck. 

But I don't want to give up. I don't want to give in and go back on medication. I'm only two weeks out and I'm holding onto all my hope that I can do this, that I will overcome this and learn how to deal with all of my emotions and thoughts without medication. Because honestly they're still there when I'm on it, so I want to deal with them off of it. I also have been slacking slightly in the things that are supposed to be helping, like exercising daily.

My favorite hymn this last year has been Master the Tempest is Raging. (One time I was driving home and this HORRIBLE rain storm started and I was panicking, not knowing whether to pull over or keep going. I started humming this hymn to calm myself, since it's about a storm. The rain when harder and I literally looked up at the sky and said, why?! And the rain stopped five seconds later, I kid you not.) 

 I don't know all of the words because I've just recently come to love this hymn. But my all time favorite line is Whether the wrath of the storm tossed sea, or demons or men of whatever it be. I love that line because sometimes I feel like I'm literally fighting with myself and my mind and my thoughts, and that fits it so perfectly. 

I can't wait until I get to the third verse of this song. I know that that day will come, I have to just keep going. 

Master, the tempest is raging!

The billows are tossing high!

The sky is o'ershadowed with blackness.

No shelter or help is nigh.

Carest thou not that we perish?

How canst thou lie asleep

When each moment so madly is threat'ning

A grave in the angry deep?

Chorus

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:

Peace, be still.

Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea

Or demons or men or whatever it be,

No waters can swallow the ship where lies

The Master of ocean and earth and skies.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, be still; peace, be still.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, peace, be still.

 Master, with anguish of spirit

I bow in my grief today.

The depths of my sad heart are troubled.

Oh, waken and save, I pray!

Torrents of sin and of anguish

Sweep o'er my sinking soul,

And I perish! I perish! dear Master.

Oh, hasten and take control!

Master, the terror is over.

The elements sweetly rest.

Earth's sun in the calm lake is mirrored,

And heaven's within my breast.

Linger, O blessed Redeemer!

Leave me alone no more,

And with joy I shall make the blest harbor

And rest on the blissful shore.