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Thoughts on Mother’s Day

This being my first mother’s day with an actual baby, I have a lot of thoughts. I remember how excited I was when we found out that I was pregnant. I’d been feeling like something was missing in my life, and once I knew Aaron was coming, I knew that was it. I had no idea in that moment just how much motherhood was going to change my life. I look back at my old blog posts when I was pregnant and I was so scared of losing the old me, and I did. But that’s okay. I’m still figuring out this new me and while that’s scary and sometimes frustrating, it’s also amazing and exciting. I get to recreate myself right now. I’m learning how to forgive and make new friendships and be assertive and love someone else with everything I have, and still have more love to give the next day. I get to see small miracles everyday and Heavenly Father’s hand in my life every single day. I get to look at the world with new eyes and see how wonderful it is just to be able to wiggle your fingers, or hear a bird chirping.

I appreciate everything my own mom has done for me with a new perspective. I don’t feel as bad asking for help when I need it because I know she loves me like I love Aaron and I would do anything I could to help him (within reason.) I’m so thankful for my mom and all the other mothers in my life. They’ve done so much and made so many sacrifices that I’ll never be able to thank them enough for.

I’m learning that being a good mother doesn’t mean being a martyr. There was one time Sammy was going to go out and play basketball after I’d had a really long day with Aaron which meant I’d have to put him to bed all by myself. I wanted him to be able to go and have fun so badly, but I also knew I’d resent him all night and was too wiped. When he asked one final time if I was sure he should go, that he’d be okay staying home, I asked him to stay. I hope to be able to keep asking for what I need. One of my college professors who was so against having kids because of overpopulation told me in a private conversation that if I was going to be a parent, I needed to keep going after my dreams because it’d be selfish not to. My kids didn’t ask for me to give up everything for them, just to take care of them and love them.

I’m so thankful to be Aaron’s mom. I love him and his little personality so much. He’s so happy and good tempered and just a joy.

I can’t help but think of my Heavenly Mother as well. When I was pregnant I really started reading and learning and searching for Her. And every single time I think about Her, I feel the spirit so strong and I feel Her love and it’s so distinct to me, I can’t even describe it. I feel it every single time which is crazy to me because for most other things, I get an impression once or twice and that’s it. But Her love, I always feel it when I need it. I’m so grateful for Her and I know that loving her doesn’t mean that I love or respect my Heavenly Father any less.

I can’t stop looking at pictures of the day Aaron was born. What a beautiful wonderful day that was. I will always cherish my memories of holding him against my chest that first hour and just loving every inch of him. I’m so grateful for the moments I get to hold him while he sleeps or when he’ll just snuggle me, and I’m so grateful to be his mama, even if his favorite word is dada;)

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