Postpartum Anxiety & Depression

It's funny. This blogpost was originally scheduled to come out on January 10th. (I can't remember when I wrote it since I write everything in advance.) I was feeling confident that I had moved past this struggle and I was in the clear.  I'd moved past my anxiety, at least, where it was dragging me down on a day to day basis And then, before this post published I took it down because I was starting to sink into depression. Now, on May 5th when I'm looking at this again, I'm in a completely different place once again. Life is really looking up, and I want to share about this. I'm going to put * in front of what I originally wrote, and then talk about what happened after.
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Long before I got pregnant, I worried quite a bit about getting postpartum anxiety and depression. I talked with therapists about it and anyone who would listen because I had a few more risk factors than other women. I was so scared that I would lose myself and wouldn't be able to take care of my baby, and that people would think that I'm a bad mother. I was extra stressed because half of my family is super understanding about mental illness while the other half doesn't even know it exists. I read so many articles and tried to prepare myself and Sammy as much as possible before Aaron was born. 

In the hospital every single doctor who spoke with me talked about the signs of postpartum depression and anxiety and talked with Sammy about them. We both listened and I felt confident that we'd know what to do. 

I was pretty sick for the first few days postpartum, but after that I went for walks out in the sun, ate fruits and vegetables, tried my best to sleep, and do everything the doctors had advised. I felt pretty overwhelmed but it was only a week out, they said that I had to wait until past two weeks for it to be depression and not just the baby blues. 

I was okay-ish until Sammy went back to work after three weeks at home. That's when I lost it. I'd cry every morning for the entire 45 minutes he was driving to work. Then I'd cry from 4:30 until he got home at six. I didn't want to leave the house and was terrified to do everything. I finally listened to my mom and decided to go to the doctor after a week of that. 

The doctor was so incredibly kind and understanding when I came in. She made me feel so heard and no judgement at all. She prescribed me some medication, then warned that it might make me feel even worse for a few weeks before I started to feel better. I figured that since I've taken antidepressants before, I'd be fine. Oh how wrong I was. 

My anxiety instantly became 100x worse overnight. I was nauseous and uneasy all day. I struggled to eat, to sleep, to sit still, and just breathe. On the second night just the sound of Aaron crying gave me a panic attack. I wanted to sleep for a few months and wake up when he was older. I wanted to run away. I wanted someone else to take care of him at night so I didn't have to. I had so many crazy thoughts during that time. 

Thankfully Sammy stayed home from work the next day and both of our mom's were able to come over. After a morning of not being able to eat or just breathe normally we went to urgent care. The doctor in urgent care was even kinder. He really made me feel heard, normal, and like I was going to be okay. He gave me hope when I needed it so desperately. I can't even describe what that doctor gave me. He prescribed a few other medications to help me until the antidepressant calmed down, and really wanted me to go see a therapist. I already had an appointment to see one, so we went over there afterwards. 

That was the worst thing I could have done. That therapist proceeded to tell me that the medicines he'd given me might not work, and chastised me for not trying the activity she'd suggested before. She shattered all of the good feelings I'd had going in there and I really just wish I hadn't visited her that day. It just goes to show how important it is to find the right therapist. 

Thankfully the medications worked for me and I was able to calm down and actually semi function. I noticed that I would still cry everyday and just feel angry all the time at everything. I got another adjustment on my medication, and finally life started to calm down. I was able to sleep more consistently and leave the house. I started to bond with Aaron and get more confident at being his mom. 

I feel really lucky that I was able to get help and that it worked rather quickly. Those weeks seemed to go on forever and ever, but looking back it was rather quick. I saw stories of moms on twitter being admitted to the hospital months after their babies were born. That time was so hard for us. I felt so much guilt at not being able to take care of my baby, and that I was a burden on Sammy and my family. But it is what it is and that's life. We can't always be strong and have to lean on others. I had my turn and know that my worth as a person isn't tied to what I can do for others. I also know this wasn't my fault, that it was hormones and other factors out of my control. I'm so grateful for my support network because without them I wouldn't be able to get through this. I still have my hard days but life is looking up. 

***

Oh, it wasn't over. I was okay for a bit, but then someone close to me was hospitalized. I remember that was the moment that I started spiraling again. I had barely been holding onto normalcy, and then I just got so upset and discouraged. That feeling didn't go away, and only got worse. I was so angry all the time and then would feel hopeless. It kept getting worse and worse, so I went to a doctor for help. That doctor was AWFUL. She barely listened to me, and prescribed a medication I wasn't comfortable taking. Then when I called to try and get in contact with her, no one would pick up the phone. I felt so alone and upset that I even needed medication. Luckily my health insurance changed then so I was able to go to a better doctor who got me on a medication I was comfortable with and actually worked. 

I felt so down because I wanted to talk to a therapist, but we couldn't afford any of the ones on our insurance. Then I found a postpartum center that partners with a non profit to make counseling affordable for everyone. I started going there and it's honestly been one of the best things ever. My therapist there has been one of the most intuitive of all the ones I've ever visited, and since she specializes in maternal health that has been so helpful. Aaron can come to my appointments which is SUCH a big deal. It's so much work to schedule doctors appointments with him because I have to find somewhere for him to go sometimes. 

I would just cry and cry and cry so much during that time. I'd have so many moments where I wondered what was the point? I was going to feel this miserable forever, things would never get better, and Aaron would be better off with someone else. I'd feel so hopeless because any time anyone even mentioned birth, I'd have a panic attack. I felt like my body was so broken and would never heal because I was still in pain in different places, and if I wanted to get help it would be invasive treatments.

There were nights where I'd have some of the scariest thoughts, thoughts I've never had before and I'd wake Sammy up because I was so scared. I had nasty panic attacks and headaches all the time and I just didn't want to do anything. And it felt like things were never going to get better. 

And then out of nowhere a few weeks ago I noticed that I was feeling better. That's the funny thing about healing, it happens so slowly it's hard to pinpoint when it starts. I think part of it was the change of the seasons and the return of the sun. But the rest was thanks to therapy and medication and getting more confident at this motherhood thing. Reading the book "Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts" was so healing for me as well. Also, Aaron started sleeping better and more sleep is always better for mental health. 

Honestly, I'm scared to share this post. Mostly because I'm scared of jinxing everything. If I share that I'm getting better, then it can just be taken away. That's what happened the first time I wrote this. But I just watched Brene Brown's netflix special where she talks about how joy is the most vulnerable feeling of all. And I don't want to always live my life scared to feel joy. I don't want to always hold back. So I'm sharing because I'm grateful that this journey is finding some sort of resolution. Who knows what might happen in a few weeks, days, months, years. I can be thankful that I've gotten through this, and know that I can do it again.