Back in eighth grade, my science teacher was, let go. So we had subs for a couple months while they tried to find a replacement. Subs who just turned movies on for us and let us do whatever. So my friend and I decided to write a story. It was one of those ones where you write a section and the other person writes a section and so on. I was reading through it today and it made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it. Please note, it has lots of references to movies and tv shows we liked in 8th grade, so if parts don't make sense, just google the names. Like Alex Rider. And Perry the Platypus. And that flop of a movie Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium. Winnie the Pooh. Blue's Clue's. My weird best friend in the first grade who would shake and fart on command. Anyways. Enjoy! P.S. I write a whole lot better than this now. :)
P.P.S At the end there's a poem that I read at an actual poetry cafe. Nobody understood it. Ha ha ha!
Once upon a time there was 75945. She or should I say It was an unknown person who lived underground in New Mexico. The reason it lived underground is classified. It was a mission given to 75945 from China. The outcome of this mission determined the fate of the world. What was this mission you may ask? She had to find out what happened to Perry the Platypus! Perry was a secret agent for the Chinese government. His most famous quote for being a platypus with no lips was
“You want Wanton!” Perry had been sent away on a mission to find a cure for belly button lint and had not been seen since last December, the year of the dragon. Who in their sick mind would capture a platypus? That was up to 75945 to figure out.
It was a day like any other. The sun was shining. Well 759 didn't know that because she lived underground. But anyway it was a normal day until 759 stepped on a shriveled carrot. It seemed like nothing until 759 saw the wrinkles in the carrot spelling out,
“We have PERRY! Ha Ha Ha!”
“Ohh! A carrot!” exclaimed 759. She picked it up and started to feast. Then a though hit 759. Maybe it's a clue. It did so happen to say, “Ha Ha! We have Perry!” So right before 759 swallowed she spit it up and put it in a plastic bag for preservation. Then 759 sat in the thinking chair. Then she flipped the on switch to the thinking cap. She grabbed her thinking juice and buckled the seatbelt. Then she did the only thing a secret agent wearing a thinking cap would do, she ate the carrot from the ziploc bag. After she had washed it off of course because no one likes the taste of dirt mixed in with secret messages from the Russians.
Well a group of gophers were going about their own business when they saw 759 sitting there crying. All if the gophers except for a gopher named Gopher who starred on the t.v. show “Winnie the Pooh,” didn't care. Discreetly the gopher named Gopher snuck behind the thinking chair and stuck a stick of dynamite behind the legs of the chair and lit it. 759 realized what was going on and kept on chewing on the carrot message. Then 759 decided that maybe she should get out of the thinking chair that was about to explode. BAM! 759 wasn't underground anymore.
The sun streamed in through the crumbled ceiling. 759 emerged into the 100 acre wood with trees everywhere. She wandered around for awhile and ran into a crazy llama. Why was there a llama? That's another story. Then she heard the llama say, “Hello!”
“Oh, Hi!,” said 759.
“You are such a cute llama, oh yes you are oh oh!” 759 said in a voice reserved for babies and puppies.
“Eww! I'm not a llama!” he replied. “I'm an emperor you doo doo!” 759 itched her head. This was going to be a long day. Plus, she had lice and her head was itchy.
“So what's your name?”
“Kuzco!” replied the llama who apparently was an emperor. Out of the blue 759 said,
“Would you mind eating the lice off of my head?”
“Unless lice is the French word for caviar, count me out.” answered the llama.
“Well, it is today.” 759 lamely retorted. Kuzco ate a lice out of her head and said,
“Yum tastes like pineapple.” Then Kuzco madly ate the rest of the lice and all of 759's hair. She was now bald.
“Oh well, I'm a Britney Spears fan. I was going to do that anyway.” 759 said with a shrug.
“Oops I did it again. I made you believe, well more than just believe that I was going to eat the lice out of your hair. Now it's not there. It disappeared into thin air!” Kuzco sang.
“Umm, are you ok?”
“NO! I have a bad case of Ruffitis and I haven't seen Ruff Ruffman in a while. He was on a mission for Canada and was captured. I NEED my R+R”
“Ok Kuzco. If I help you find Ruff then you have to help me find my friend Perry. Deal?”
“Deal! Deal! Deal! Deal! Deal! Deal!” sang Kuzco. So they head up to the northern part of New Mexico and they find Ruff at a strip club called Madi's non stripping club.
There Ruff was waiting for Madi's act. Madi and another boy named Willie got onto the stage. 759 walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder, wanting to ask for his help. Ruff wasn't happy about the interruption and growled at 759.
"Shut up, I wanna hear them sing karaoke. By the way, why is that llama shaking?” Kuzco was standing next to 759, staring at Ruff as if he would disappear if he looked away. He was shaking more than a hula dancer on speed.
“The llama has ruffitis. I need you to fix it.” 759 answered.
“Fine.” said Ruff. “I'll fix him if you belly dance for me.
“Oh, ok.” So 759 performed a belly dance for Ruff. It was very interesting considering that 759 had no idea what belly dancing was. So she did the worm with her stomach. That was enough for Ruff. The llama and Ruff were heading to the door when a herd of heffalumps and woosels came in wearing ninja suits.
“What's going on?” 759 screamed.
“They're the ones who kidnapped me!” Ruff said. “I think they work for Russia! I'm really enjoying this belly dance too. So why do they have to start Russian me?” Ruff asked. 759 was busy fighting woosels so she didn't have time to laugh at Ruff's pun. All the sudden a girl in a frilly dress and a guy with spikey hair came in. One of the woosels tripped the girl and she flexed her arms. They were the size of bowling balls. As she flexed she grew an Italian mustache. The guy with the spikey hair suddenly started shaking.
“I'm gonna fart now!” Then he let er rip. All the heffalumps and woosels fell to the ground. Leighton, the spikey haired kid, had knocked them all out.
“Hey wedgie woman, come help me!” The girl in a frilly dress with HUGE muscles helped him up. “Grab a gun from your pocket. They're starting to wake up.” he cried.
“My muscles are too big. I can't get my hands in my pockets!” the girl in the frilly dress said.
“Never mind. You don't need a gun, you've already got two! Watch out!” Wedgie woman turned quickly and knocked out two heffalumps with her guns, and gave six woosels whiplash from her mustache.
Then she saw the llama was shaking. “You need to fart. Like him? Is that what's wrong?” the girl with the mustache/wedgie woman asked.
“No! I'll tell you what's wrong! I'm an emperor captured in the body of a llama all because of the evil Ezma! And I have ruffitis just because I haven't seen Ruff. I need him to cure it! But what angers me the most is that I had a massage scheduled and I'm twenty seven minutes late!” the llama cried
“Oh well, I really am lost. How do I cure you?” The girl asked.
“To cure me, Ruff has to give me a 'Half Time Quiz' If I pass, I'll be ok!” the llama stated matter of factly. “Ok, I'll give you a half time quiz. Later!”
Jackie Chan jumped in from the ceiling singing Ebenezer Sneezer, Topsy Turvy Man, Walks upon his elbows every time he can. Then he finished the song by singing, “Ebenezer Sneezer has a killer California Tan...........n!” He held the word for what seemed like hours. Then Ebenezer Sneezer came in and sneezed. He got the snot right on Madi who died instantly from cooties. There wasn't a funeral because no one cared. Well, Ruff cared, but he just didn't know it yet. This fact would become apparent to him later in life, when a vampire was trying to decipher the pony code. Anyway.
The fight was over, it was time to make a plan. But first, they had to leave the club. “Run 759!” Ruff commanded. 759 walked up to the woman in a frilly dress and the man who had knocked out the woos els instead. “Who ARE you?”
“That's classified. We're working for Azerbaijan, they sent us here to help.” they said in their most mysterious voices possible. That answer worked for 759.
“Ok. I'll need you to guard Ruff and Willie.” She glanced back at Willie, and snarled. Willie smiled, waved, and winked at her. 759 ignored Willie and gathered her supplies. It was going to be a long night. Hopefully without Willie by her side.
They sneakily walked out the front door. That would be the last place someone waiting for them would expect them to appear from. 759 screeched when she saw a boy waiting for them. Willie walked up to 'protect' 759. He stood in front of her and confronted the boy.
“Who are you?” he asked his voice hostile.
“The name's Alex Rider.” the boy answered in a sexy voice. He was obviously a secret agent. 759 looked at him with googily eyes. Willie was disgusted. “Why are you looking at him that way?” Willie asked.
“It's a natural reaction for secret agents to fall in love.” 759 answered matter of factly. But love had to wait because the devil was standing right in front of them. Alex pecked 759 on the cheek. “What was that for?” 759 asked as she floated to the ceiling. Not in a literal sense of course.
“It was just in case Egroj the devil kills us.” Alex said equally happy.
Willie couldn't hold it in anymore. He wanted to kill Alex and show 759 just how tough he was. He started charging towards Alex. Alex saw him charge and sidestepped so that Willie flew into Egroj. They started wrestling on the ground: to the death. Jackie Chan appeared out of no where again, holding a bottle of soy sauce. “Here, pour this into his eyes!” Since Willie was busy, Alex did it. The devil shrieked. And then he shriveled up and turned into a mushed chili pepper. That was the end of Egroj the devil! Yes! 759 walked over to Alex and congratulated him.
Willie got up and looked at 759. Why was she looking at Alex that way? It wasn't fair. HE was the one who had tackled Egroj. All Alex had did was pour soy sauce in his eyes. There was a rustling in the bushes. A crazy man hopped out, his clothes torn. “What happened to you?” Willie asked.
“Alas, I have a sad story to tell. It involves love, betrayal, fruits, and vegetables.” This was a story Willie wanted to hear. Maybe it would help him in his love life.
“It all started 243 years ago when my parents met at the market. My mother loved fruit and my father loved vegetables, but their love was so strong they put aside their differences. So they got together, but their parents said they cantaloupe. Get it? Can't elope. Ha ha. Ok. I wrote a poem to describe my life.
“Wow. That was, interesting I guess.” Willie said. The crazy man who turned out to be Mr. Magorium hopped up and said, “Well, I've got to go die now. See you later dude!” Then he got up and left.
“But who will take over your shop?” Willie questioned.
“Natalie Portman.” Magorium replied. “Oh, can I go help her!” Willie said with stars in his eyes. Then he went to the emporium.
759 didn't notice he was gone. At first. When the group headed out they noticed he was missing. Oh well! But deep deep down 759 missed him with a longing that could cut her in half. At least 759 still had Alex Rider to soothe her lonely nights. Right then 759 got a message from her carrier pigeon. It read, “ 759, Perry has escaped. You no longer need to find him. But Winnie the Pooh and his friends are making shoes that make your feet break out into warts. We need you and your team to stop them.” Ok said 759. Then her and her group of freaks walked out into the sunset. And then she was blinded by the light.
To be continued......
P.P.S At the end there's a poem that I read at an actual poetry cafe. Nobody understood it. Ha ha ha!
Once upon a time there was 75945. She or should I say It was an unknown person who lived underground in New Mexico. The reason it lived underground is classified. It was a mission given to 75945 from China. The outcome of this mission determined the fate of the world. What was this mission you may ask? She had to find out what happened to Perry the Platypus! Perry was a secret agent for the Chinese government. His most famous quote for being a platypus with no lips was
“You want Wanton!” Perry had been sent away on a mission to find a cure for belly button lint and had not been seen since last December, the year of the dragon. Who in their sick mind would capture a platypus? That was up to 75945 to figure out.
It was a day like any other. The sun was shining. Well 759 didn't know that because she lived underground. But anyway it was a normal day until 759 stepped on a shriveled carrot. It seemed like nothing until 759 saw the wrinkles in the carrot spelling out,
“We have PERRY! Ha Ha Ha!”
“Ohh! A carrot!” exclaimed 759. She picked it up and started to feast. Then a though hit 759. Maybe it's a clue. It did so happen to say, “Ha Ha! We have Perry!” So right before 759 swallowed she spit it up and put it in a plastic bag for preservation. Then 759 sat in the thinking chair. Then she flipped the on switch to the thinking cap. She grabbed her thinking juice and buckled the seatbelt. Then she did the only thing a secret agent wearing a thinking cap would do, she ate the carrot from the ziploc bag. After she had washed it off of course because no one likes the taste of dirt mixed in with secret messages from the Russians.
Well a group of gophers were going about their own business when they saw 759 sitting there crying. All if the gophers except for a gopher named Gopher who starred on the t.v. show “Winnie the Pooh,” didn't care. Discreetly the gopher named Gopher snuck behind the thinking chair and stuck a stick of dynamite behind the legs of the chair and lit it. 759 realized what was going on and kept on chewing on the carrot message. Then 759 decided that maybe she should get out of the thinking chair that was about to explode. BAM! 759 wasn't underground anymore.
The sun streamed in through the crumbled ceiling. 759 emerged into the 100 acre wood with trees everywhere. She wandered around for awhile and ran into a crazy llama. Why was there a llama? That's another story. Then she heard the llama say, “Hello!”
“Oh, Hi!,” said 759.
“You are such a cute llama, oh yes you are oh oh!” 759 said in a voice reserved for babies and puppies.
“Eww! I'm not a llama!” he replied. “I'm an emperor you doo doo!” 759 itched her head. This was going to be a long day. Plus, she had lice and her head was itchy.
“So what's your name?”
“Kuzco!” replied the llama who apparently was an emperor. Out of the blue 759 said,
“Would you mind eating the lice off of my head?”
“Unless lice is the French word for caviar, count me out.” answered the llama.
“Well, it is today.” 759 lamely retorted. Kuzco ate a lice out of her head and said,
“Yum tastes like pineapple.” Then Kuzco madly ate the rest of the lice and all of 759's hair. She was now bald.
“Oh well, I'm a Britney Spears fan. I was going to do that anyway.” 759 said with a shrug.
“Oops I did it again. I made you believe, well more than just believe that I was going to eat the lice out of your hair. Now it's not there. It disappeared into thin air!” Kuzco sang.
“Umm, are you ok?”
“NO! I have a bad case of Ruffitis and I haven't seen Ruff Ruffman in a while. He was on a mission for Canada and was captured. I NEED my R+R”
“Ok Kuzco. If I help you find Ruff then you have to help me find my friend Perry. Deal?”
“Deal! Deal! Deal! Deal! Deal! Deal!” sang Kuzco. So they head up to the northern part of New Mexico and they find Ruff at a strip club called Madi's non stripping club.
There Ruff was waiting for Madi's act. Madi and another boy named Willie got onto the stage. 759 walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder, wanting to ask for his help. Ruff wasn't happy about the interruption and growled at 759.
"Shut up, I wanna hear them sing karaoke. By the way, why is that llama shaking?” Kuzco was standing next to 759, staring at Ruff as if he would disappear if he looked away. He was shaking more than a hula dancer on speed.
“The llama has ruffitis. I need you to fix it.” 759 answered.
“Fine.” said Ruff. “I'll fix him if you belly dance for me.
“Oh, ok.” So 759 performed a belly dance for Ruff. It was very interesting considering that 759 had no idea what belly dancing was. So she did the worm with her stomach. That was enough for Ruff. The llama and Ruff were heading to the door when a herd of heffalumps and woosels came in wearing ninja suits.
“What's going on?” 759 screamed.
“They're the ones who kidnapped me!” Ruff said. “I think they work for Russia! I'm really enjoying this belly dance too. So why do they have to start Russian me?” Ruff asked. 759 was busy fighting woosels so she didn't have time to laugh at Ruff's pun. All the sudden a girl in a frilly dress and a guy with spikey hair came in. One of the woosels tripped the girl and she flexed her arms. They were the size of bowling balls. As she flexed she grew an Italian mustache. The guy with the spikey hair suddenly started shaking.
“I'm gonna fart now!” Then he let er rip. All the heffalumps and woosels fell to the ground. Leighton, the spikey haired kid, had knocked them all out.
“Hey wedgie woman, come help me!” The girl in a frilly dress with HUGE muscles helped him up. “Grab a gun from your pocket. They're starting to wake up.” he cried.
“My muscles are too big. I can't get my hands in my pockets!” the girl in the frilly dress said.
“Never mind. You don't need a gun, you've already got two! Watch out!” Wedgie woman turned quickly and knocked out two heffalumps with her guns, and gave six woosels whiplash from her mustache.
Then she saw the llama was shaking. “You need to fart. Like him? Is that what's wrong?” the girl with the mustache/wedgie woman asked.
“No! I'll tell you what's wrong! I'm an emperor captured in the body of a llama all because of the evil Ezma! And I have ruffitis just because I haven't seen Ruff. I need him to cure it! But what angers me the most is that I had a massage scheduled and I'm twenty seven minutes late!” the llama cried
“Oh well, I really am lost. How do I cure you?” The girl asked.
“To cure me, Ruff has to give me a 'Half Time Quiz' If I pass, I'll be ok!” the llama stated matter of factly. “Ok, I'll give you a half time quiz. Later!”
Jackie Chan jumped in from the ceiling singing Ebenezer Sneezer, Topsy Turvy Man, Walks upon his elbows every time he can. Then he finished the song by singing, “Ebenezer Sneezer has a killer California Tan...........n!” He held the word for what seemed like hours. Then Ebenezer Sneezer came in and sneezed. He got the snot right on Madi who died instantly from cooties. There wasn't a funeral because no one cared. Well, Ruff cared, but he just didn't know it yet. This fact would become apparent to him later in life, when a vampire was trying to decipher the pony code. Anyway.
The fight was over, it was time to make a plan. But first, they had to leave the club. “Run 759!” Ruff commanded. 759 walked up to the woman in a frilly dress and the man who had knocked out the woos els instead. “Who ARE you?”
“That's classified. We're working for Azerbaijan, they sent us here to help.” they said in their most mysterious voices possible. That answer worked for 759.
“Ok. I'll need you to guard Ruff and Willie.” She glanced back at Willie, and snarled. Willie smiled, waved, and winked at her. 759 ignored Willie and gathered her supplies. It was going to be a long night. Hopefully without Willie by her side.
They sneakily walked out the front door. That would be the last place someone waiting for them would expect them to appear from. 759 screeched when she saw a boy waiting for them. Willie walked up to 'protect' 759. He stood in front of her and confronted the boy.
“Who are you?” he asked his voice hostile.
“The name's Alex Rider.” the boy answered in a sexy voice. He was obviously a secret agent. 759 looked at him with googily eyes. Willie was disgusted. “Why are you looking at him that way?” Willie asked.
“It's a natural reaction for secret agents to fall in love.” 759 answered matter of factly. But love had to wait because the devil was standing right in front of them. Alex pecked 759 on the cheek. “What was that for?” 759 asked as she floated to the ceiling. Not in a literal sense of course.
“It was just in case Egroj the devil kills us.” Alex said equally happy.
Willie couldn't hold it in anymore. He wanted to kill Alex and show 759 just how tough he was. He started charging towards Alex. Alex saw him charge and sidestepped so that Willie flew into Egroj. They started wrestling on the ground: to the death. Jackie Chan appeared out of no where again, holding a bottle of soy sauce. “Here, pour this into his eyes!” Since Willie was busy, Alex did it. The devil shrieked. And then he shriveled up and turned into a mushed chili pepper. That was the end of Egroj the devil! Yes! 759 walked over to Alex and congratulated him.
Willie got up and looked at 759. Why was she looking at Alex that way? It wasn't fair. HE was the one who had tackled Egroj. All Alex had did was pour soy sauce in his eyes. There was a rustling in the bushes. A crazy man hopped out, his clothes torn. “What happened to you?” Willie asked.
“Alas, I have a sad story to tell. It involves love, betrayal, fruits, and vegetables.” This was a story Willie wanted to hear. Maybe it would help him in his love life.
“It all started 243 years ago when my parents met at the market. My mother loved fruit and my father loved vegetables, but their love was so strong they put aside their differences. So they got together, but their parents said they cantaloupe. Get it? Can't elope. Ha ha. Ok. I wrote a poem to describe my life.
My mother loved fruit,
My father vegetables.
Then they got together and broke all the rules
Then I came along
They fought and they fought
Until vegetable fruit casserole started to rot
I was just a young lad, a tot.
The fights got bigger and bigger
My mother hired a grave digger
My father was a very sad figure
I'm lucky someone didn't pull a trigger
Finally I became tired of my parents cruel taunt
So I jumped on the table and yelled
I'LL EAT WHAT I WANT!
“Wow. That was, interesting I guess.” Willie said. The crazy man who turned out to be Mr. Magorium hopped up and said, “Well, I've got to go die now. See you later dude!” Then he got up and left.
“But who will take over your shop?” Willie questioned.
“Natalie Portman.” Magorium replied. “Oh, can I go help her!” Willie said with stars in his eyes. Then he went to the emporium.
759 didn't notice he was gone. At first. When the group headed out they noticed he was missing. Oh well! But deep deep down 759 missed him with a longing that could cut her in half. At least 759 still had Alex Rider to soothe her lonely nights. Right then 759 got a message from her carrier pigeon. It read, “ 759, Perry has escaped. You no longer need to find him. But Winnie the Pooh and his friends are making shoes that make your feet break out into warts. We need you and your team to stop them.” Ok said 759. Then her and her group of freaks walked out into the sunset. And then she was blinded by the light.
To be continued......
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