The Path to Conquering Anxiety

As long as I can remember, I've struggled with anxiety. Even when I didn't know I was struggling with anxiety, I was struggling with anxiety. There was a whole summer before fifth grade where I had panic attacks every night and vomited all the time. Then I hit high school, and didn't know how to deal with all that anxiety and stress of being a teenager. It didn't help that I had a really crappy group of friends. There was a time of self harm, but with some therapy and developing some new friends, I moved past that. 

When I was seventeen, my anxiety would get really bad whenever I was PMSing. Plus, I turned into a rage filled monster. So, I went to the doctor to try and get some help with my crazy PMSing. The doctor asked if I ever had thoughts of self harm, and when she heard that I had a past of it, she immediately prescribed me anti-depressants saying that I had depression. I had been fighting that label and getting put onto anti-depressants for over a year, but I finally gave up and took the meds. 

It was a rough transition being on anti-depressants. It's hard to find the right dosage, and I went from various stages of feeling perpetually numb and tired, to being incredibly hyper and wanting to do crazy things. However, when I was on the right dosage, the medicine helped me feel a little more normal and function better. I also credit this to meeting Sammy and realizing how stupid and miserable some of my friends were. 

When I started having more and more panic attacks, I finally realized that I really did have anxiety. So I was alright with being on medication because I was terrified of what life would be like without it. Because I felt sad at times, I figured that I had depression too. I had family with it, so I had to have it too, right?

It wasn't until I met with my latest therapist that I fully accepted that I have anxiety. After talking with her for almost a year, she told me that she doesn't think that I have depression, only anxiety. After a lot of thought, I realized she was right. The times where I felt depressed where times where my anxiety was getting out of control. Anyone would feel sad all day if their mind can't stop thinking that everyone is going to die, something bad is coming, and other thoughts like that. 

That's been my journey with anxiety until this moment. Right now, I've been on various medications for five years. I've been hoping to try and get off this September. I've been thinking about this for awhile. I will have to try and get off at one point, because the medicine that I'm on isn't safe if I'm pregnant. Plus, I've never wanted to be on medication, but it was definitely necessary to get me to this point. After talking with my doctor, at my six month appointment, she wants to try taking me off in September. I'm at a point in my life where I think that might be possible. 

I'm no longer in school, so there's one less stress. I've got a great job and by September I'll have been there for four months, and hopefully figured out most of the kinks. Sammy will have started school and we'll have figured out our new routine with that.

I've been thinking about this plan for awhile. But the last month at my new job has been filled with so much anxiety. I've been having a lot more panic attacks and just feeling anxious every morning at work. I'm hoping that this is just an adjustment period. I don't want to give up on this yet. 

I'm also taking other steps to prepare myself to get off my medication. I've been slowly eating healthier and healthier. I bring healthy snacks, and fruits and veggies with my lunch. Sammy and I are going on bike rides, and I do other workouts around the house. I also plan to start meeting with my therapist a month before I get off, and after I get off.

I've also listened to a book about mindfulness and tried to practice it. I'm not the best at it and could definitely be doing better, but it's definitely a helpful tool!  

Three years ago, I would have thought this was impossible. Then again, I thought eating whatever I wanted to try and flying on a plane were impossible too. Yet here's me right after landing on my first plane ride. 

This is going to be hard. But I want to be open about this journey, because I know that there are other's out there who might go on it one day, or who have already done it and can give me advice. I will not let anxiety rule my life. It may beat me for a few hours, but it can't take over. I've done hard things, and I know I can do more.