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Whenever I'm writing an essay, I usually figure out what I'm writing about by the end of the essay, and have a bunch of huge revelations on the way there. I'm hoping that's what happens right now. I was at work today so unfortunately I was unable to watch conference. I was on the bus when I found out that the ages for missions had been changed. For a second, I couldn't believe it. And then I felt immediately lost. Minutes afterwards is when the questions started. Are you going to go?! It hadn't even sunk in yet. My rebel spirit immediately says no way. No way, no way nuh uh. Never happening.

At the beginning of the week, more things in the working plan of the future started falling into place. There was excitement, knowing where I was going. All that confusion over the summer was worth it. Higher goals were being reached for.

Now I'm feeling just a little confused. I know what I want. And I know how to get there. But missions are great things as well. I know if I went there would be tons of blessings. Except, that's not what I want to do. But is it what I need to do? I'm scared to pray about it. Because a part of me is worried that I'll be punished for doing what I want to do. That's my dilemma.

I actually had a dream a month ago that the bestby and I were headed for the MTC. We were crying the whole way and I could feel the same knot in my stomach that I have now. We were both there, at the same time, and we were miserable. So then we escaped. Now, I'm not one to go taking all my dreams to heart, but there have been a few over my life that I've paid extra attention to. Maybe this is one. And the moral is to run, run, run.

Sorry this is so random and blunt. Now isn't the time for euphemisms.


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  1. JeanetteOctober 7, 2012 at 2:43 AM

    Don't let the fear of an answer keep you from praying. It's the only way you can find out what great things Heavenly Father has in store for you.

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